


to not forget

by loretoo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Eating Disorders, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 18:37:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14290947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loretoo/pseuds/loretoo
Summary: Taeyong is in love with a boy.





	to not forget

**Author's Note:**

> This is angst! You've been warned!

Taeyong left his house at seven thirty in the morning and walked to his school like every wednesday. He really hated wednesdays. Right there in the middle of the week, boring, tiring, the longest day of them all. 

He made his way into the building trying to avoid people’s looks like he always did. It was another day of trying to be invisible when it seemed like there were gigantic light signs pointing at him. 

_ He’s the kid from the video. _

_ Ugh, so gross… can you believe we used to hang out with him? _

_ Stay away from him, you hear me? He’s a pervert... _

Taeyong tried to hid his face into his jacket and hurried his step towards his classroom. 

“Hey Lee, sucking any dicks lately?!” 

“Why don’t you suck this one, faggot!” 

Yeah. Another day of living hell for Lee Taeyong.

  
  


Taeyong made himself his way through the day keeping quiet during class and hiding away during breaks. The bathroom was one of his favorite spots, he would lock himself into one of the cubicles, ignoring the many dick drawings around him with his name written on them, and he would count the seconds for the bell to sound so he could return to class. Another times, when some of his bullies got to the bathroom before him, he would sit under the stairs next to the library, where no one ever went. It was peaceful there too, and he could enjoy the winter sun hitting his face when it wasn’t cloudy. 

And sometimes, Jaehyun showed up. 

“Hey, hyung.” he smiled at him. Sweet, soft, caring Jaehyun. 

“Jae, how are you doing? Where are your friends?” 

“Playing football. They won’t notice I’m gone.” Jaehyun sat next to him, trying to get a few rays of sunlight, too. “I wanted to check up on you.”

Taeyong looked at the way the sun hit Jaehyun’s pretty face, the way his long eyelashes casted a shadow on his high cheekbones. He felt his heart skipping a beat. “You know I won’t get mad if you don’t talk to me in school, right? If someone sees you with me, who knows-”

“Hyung, I would never ignore you.” Jaehyun said, a little upset. “I’ve known you since I’m five. You’re my hyung and I love you and care about you.” 

_ I love you, too. I love you I love you I love you. _ “Aw, Jaehyunnie you’re too cute!” Taeyong said instead, swallowing his feelings. “Well, I’m still alive as you can see.”

“You are so thin, hyung. Have you eaten properly?” 

Taeyong hadn’t. He didn’t even remember when was his last proper meal. “Yeah, of course I have. It’s just… stress.” 

“Things will get better with time, hyung. People will forget about it, they always do.”

Taeyong smiled sadly at him. Jaehyun was too soft hearted. “But it’s been four months, already.” 

“Give it a little time…” Jaehyun took Taeyong’s hand between his own, squeezing it softly. “Hang in there, hyung. Things will get better, I promise.” 

Taeyong could feel his heart doing flips inside his chest. He enjoyed the feeling of their hands interlocked together as long as he could, until the bell rang. “Thank you.” he whispered. 

“I should go to class.” Jaehyun said, standing up and letting Taeyong’s hand go.

“You should.” Taeyong stood up as well. They smiled and went different ways before anyone could see. 

 

***

 

“Lee.”

“Hey, Lee.” 

“What the fuck do you want?” 

“Are you hungry? I have something here for you to eat.” 

“Fuck off, Kim.” 

“Hey, Lee… what’s that white thing dripping out of your mouth? Ew, at least brush your teeth dude!” 

“Hey Lee, do you like it in the ass too or is that extra charge?” 

“Lee, go choke on a dick… oh wait.” 

Taeyong kept his eyes locked on the board, feeling his face burning in shame. 

 

***

 

When the video became viral, Taeyong thought his life was over. 

He cried. He yelled. He even contemplated jumping from the rooftop of his school. Even to this day, when his mind lead him to its darkest places, he thought maybe doing that was the right choice to put an end to his and his family’s shame.

This was one of those days. 

Taeyong felt numb. He couldn’t even cry anymore, he literally didn’t feel strong enough to do so. His mom knocked on his door, but Taeyong didn’t have the energy to reply. He stayed there, barely acknowledged her coming into his room and leaving his breakfast on the bedside table. It went cold, and so did his lunch, but Taeyong couldn’t move. 

“Hyung?” 

And suddenly Jaehyun was kneeling next to him, looking worriedly at his face. 

“You missed school, too?” Taeyong asked tiredly. 

“School is over. It’s five.” 

“Oh.” 

“Hyung, your mom said you haven’t been eating.”

Taeyong rolled around, giving his back to his childhood friend. “I can’t.”

“What do you mean you  _ can’t _ ?”

“Food makes me throw up.” 

He heard Jaehyun sigh, and then he felt his bed deep as Jaehyun sat next to him. “That’s not healthy, hyung. At least drink a protein shake or something…” 

Taeyong ignored him. It hurt too bad having him so close yet so far. Maybe if he ignored him long enough, Jaehyun would leave forever. He wasn’t sure if that would hurt more, but at least it would be a different kind of pain. At least, maybe, he would actually feel something again.

Jaehyun laid down next to him then, as if Taeyong’s heart and mind didn’t have enough yet, and he hugged him around his waist. 

“Taeyong hyung…” Jaehyun whispered. “Please come back.” 

“I’m right here.” Taeyong said, his eyes filled with tears. 

“No… no, you’re not.” 

Taeyong squeezed his eyes shut, letting it all out as quietly as he could so Jaehyun wouldn’t notice. “Jaehyunnie…” 

“Hyung, are you-?”

Taeyong turned around, hiding his face into his friend’s chest, sobbing.“I can’t do this… I can’t do this anymore, Jae…” 

Jaehyun held him between his arms, not knowing what to do. He was a sixteen year old kid, how was he supposed to know how to act when your childhood best friend was falling apart? Taeyong closed his eyes, feeling his heart break into a million pieces as he felt Jaehyun’s warmth against him, dying to get closer, to keep this boy to himself forever.

He wasn’t sure when or how, but somehow his lips began leaving kisses on Jaehyun’s neck. Just the press of his lips against Jaehyun’s soft skin, mixed with tears and snot and filled with so, so much love. 

“Hyung…” 

“Please…” Taeyong whispered, traveling from Jaehyun’s neck to his jaw, reaching for his lips. “Please, just once… just once.”

Jaehyun cupped his face softly, trying to search for his eyes with his own. “Hyung, you know I don’t… I don’t-”

“I know, I know.” Taeyong hurried to say, desperate. Dignity down the drain. “For me… pretend I’m a girl… close your eyes and pretend I’m a girl, I don’t care Jaehyunnie… but please,  _ please  _ kiss me back just once.” 

And Jaehyun did. He kissed him back like he meant it, cupping his face with both hands and opening his mouth against Taeyong’s, taking his breath away. He wrapped an arm around his waist, feeling how small it had become, the way his hip bones stood out even under his shirt, the way his hyung shivered when he deepened the kiss even more. 

Taeyong circled his arms around Jaehyun’s neck to bring him closer, opening his legs wide so he could feel Jaehyun’s body against his as much as he could. He lost himself into the kiss, forgetting about everything for a few minutes. About the video, about the feeling of a stranger’s dick in his mouth, filming him while he was drunk and sad and pretending he was sucking off Jaehyun instead. 

When he felt himself getting hard and, even worse, when he felt Jaehyun’s bulge against his leg, he pushed him away. He couldn’t do that to his friend. Not Jaehyun. 

“I’m sorry.” he said, trying to catch his breath. And then, “Thank you.”

Jaehyun sat up when he realized he had gotten hard, his ears red. “I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay, it’s just… a natural reaction. It doesn’t mean anything, I understand.” 

“Hyung…” 

Taeyong smiled reassuringly at him. “I won’t tell anyone.”

“It’s not that.” 

Taeyong knew what the younger wanted to say. I’m sorry, sorry for what? For not being gay? For being unable to return Taeyong’s feelings? For having to ignore him at school so he wouldn’t get hatred for free? Jaehyun had nothing to be sorry about.

“I’ll survive.” Taeyong said, trying to sound okay. He wasn’t, but that was enough weakness for today.

“Please do.” Jaehyun replied, pressing a kiss to Taeyong’s knuckles before leaving. 

 

***

 

It was another typical day of hiding in the bathroom, when Taeyong heard a group of boys chatting and laughing outside. He was in the last cubicle this time and the voices were coming through the small window on top.

“Isn’t Jung Jaehyun friends with the faggot from last year?” someone asked. That word did nothing to Taeyong by now, he was desensitized to it already, but hearing Jaehyun’s name in there, it made him want to puke. 

“They’re neighbors.” a deep voice replied. “Haven’t seen them together since the video, though.” 

“If I was him, I would sneak into his house and ask Lee to suck my dick.”

“What the fuck!” some of them laughed out loud. “That’s gay, Park…”

“Hey, if he’s into it… I can just close my eyes you know?”

“If he doesn’t make any sounds, I bet it feels the same.”

“As if you know what it feels like to get your dick sucked, you virgin.” 

“You’re one to talk, Nakamoto.”

“I wonder if the one in the video was someone from school. What if it was a teacher?” 

“Nah, I don’t think so. They wouldn’t have released the video… it’s too risky.”

“It was a stranger probably. He’s all quiet and shy in public but those are the worst kind. Bet he’s a slut.” 

“What if it was Jung? Maybe Lee was thirsty for dick and Jung just made him a favor.”

Taeyong felt his stomach twist in itself. He wanted nothing more than to go out there and yell at them, punch Jaehyun’s name out of their disgusting mouths and defend his friend’s honor, but he knew it would be for the worst. He was used to being in the spotlight, but Jaehyun didn’t deserve this. When the bell rang, he had to take a few minutes to relax, calm his breathing and unclench his fists. 

 

***

 

It was due to happen, with the way Taeyong had stopped eating at all for days, that he collapsed on his way back home from school a friday afternoon. Jaehyun found him with his face buried in the snow, dead to the world and freezing. He screamed for help and it was Taeyong’s mother that came running towards them, crying out. They called an ambulance and with the help of a couple of passerby, they carried Taeyong inside the house. 

When Taeyong woke up, he was in a hospital bed with an IV on his arm and his mother crying at the end of the bed. 

“Mom?” 

“Oh, my baby…” she sobbed, kissing his forehead. “I’m so sorry…”

Taeyong could barely feel his body. He felt so weak, so sleepy. Jaehyun came into the room then, holding two cups of coffee in his hands that he almost dropped when he noticed Taeyong was awake. 

“Taeyong hyung!” he said, running towards him. “We were so worried, hyung… you-”

“You almost died…” his mother cried. “Taeyong, when was the last time you  _ ate _ ?” 

“I don’t- I don’t know.” 

“Were you trying to kill yourself?!” 

“Auntie, please call down…” 

Taeyong’s mom stood up then, looking for a tissue to blow her nose. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” 

Jaehyun took her outside, told her to find a doctor. Taeyong looked at them speak through his eyelashes and then he saw his mother leaving and Jaehyun coming back inside. His head felt so heavy, he was going to fall back asleep anytime. 

“Hyung… please try to stay awake until the doctor comes.” Jaehyun ran a warm hand through Taeyong’s messy locks, caressing his cheek, cupping his face like he did that time when they kissed. “I’m so sorry it came to this, Taeyong hyung… I shouldn’t have let you alone, I should’ve stayed by your side…”

“No… no, Jaehyunnie…” Taeyong whispered. “This isn’t your fault.”

“Yes it is.” Jaehyun was crying now, silent tears dripping from his brown eyes. “If only I could…”

Taeyong smiled. “Love me back?” 

Jaehyun nodded. “You deserve so much better than me… so much better than all of this, hyung. Why can’t you just forget about me? Why can’t you love yourself instead?”

“You’re cute, Jaehyunnie.” Taeyong ran his thumb under Jaehyun’s eyes, catching his warm tears. 

The doctor came back with his mom then, and Jaehyun jumped away from the bed before any of them saw him cry. Taeyong answered the doctor’s questions as best as he could, trying to remember dates and times while his eyes begged him to go to sleep again.

When they told him he would have to stay hospitalized, Jaehyun promised to visit him everyday. Taeyong smiled at him,  _ I would love that _ . 

 

***

 

Taeyong didn’t go back to school again.

When he was released from the hospital several weeks after he collapsed on the snow, after gaining back the fifteen kilos he had lost and when he was healthy enough to keep a meal in his stomach, he just took free exams and he graduated quietly and without honors. Jaehyun did keep his promise of visiting him in the hospital, -although not everyday-, and to Taeyong, talking to him and seeing him was the highlight of his day and one of the few reasons he was able to recover. 

Taeyong knew he would never stop loving Jaehyun, but at least now his love felt like a little stone in the bottom of his heart instead of a red hot bar of iron burning his insides like it used to be. 

And now, he needed to find a fresh new start somewhere else.

Taeyong crossed the street to Jaehyun’s house and knocked on his door. 

“Hyung!” Jaehyun smiled warmly, closing the door behind him. “How are you?”

“Hi Jaehyunnie.” Taeyong smiled back, trying to avoid his eyes. “I’m good, I’ve been… good.”

“That’s great, you look better. Healthy!” 

“Thank you.” Taeyong looked down at his feet. “I uhm… I came to say goodbye, actually.”

Jaehyun gave him a confused expression. “What do you mean?”

“I’m going to live with my sister, now. Her husband offered me a job in his studio so, um... my flight leaves tomorrow.” Taeyong could feel Jaehyun’s eyes over him, but he couldn’t look back. He wasn’t strong enough, yet. 

“But she lives in Canada.” Jaehyun said after a while. 

“I need to get away, Jaehyun.” 

They stayed quiet for a long time. “I’ll miss you, hyung.” 

“I think you already know I’ll miss you, too.” Taeyong cleared his throat. This was more awkward than he expected. “Uhm, do you want to come over? We can watch a movie, and I got us some snacks.” 

Jaehyun’s ears turned red all of the sudden, and if Taeyong hadn’t known him since he was five, he wouldn’t have noticed. “Uhm, I… can’t. Sorry, hyung.”

“Oh.” Taeyong’s stomach dropped low. “It’s okay, I understand…”

“No, no. It’s not about that, it’s just that-” Jaehyun looked away, almost ashamed. “My uh… my girlfriend is upstairs.” 

_ Oh. _

“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.” Taeyong tried to sound okay, he really tried. But his body was already betraying him. His face was red, his head pounding hard. He wanted to throw up that day’s lunch. “Congrats…” 

Jaehyun was looking at him, asking Taeyong for forgiveness with his puppy eyes, just for the fact of loving someone else. “I didn’t know how to tell you, it happened when… when you were at the hospital and I-” he shook his head. 

“You don’t have to explain…” 

“I’m sorry, hyung… I just didn’t think you could handle it.” 

“Handle it?” 

“I wanted you to get better, hyung.”

Taeyong nodded. He needed to get back home before he broke down in front of Jaehyun and humiliated himself even more. “Well, I guess this is goodbye then.” 

Jaehyun took a step closer, wrapping his arms around Taeyong’s waist and hugging him hard. Oh, he was a cruel man. Cruel, cruel man and Taeyong was so weak… still, so weak. He hid his face into Jaehyun’s neck, taking in his scent for the last time. 

“I love you.” he whispered, his voice breaking in the middle. “I will always love you.”

“I know.” Jaehyun replied, pressing a kiss to his hyung’s cheek. 

 

 

When the plane took off the next morning, Taeyong felt like he was leaving a part of him behind. 

Jaehyun asked him if he could go to the airport to send him off, but he decided against it. If he was there, Taeyong wouldn’t be able to leave at all. He also asked Jaehyun not to contact him, at least until he was ready. 

Taeyong was scared. He had loved Jaehyun since he could remember, since way before he even understood what love was. And the pain of not being loved back was familiar, something he had learnt to deal with as he grew up. He didn’t know anything else, and it wasn’t that bad. He had survived, after all. 

But now, he wasn’t sure when or if he would ever see Jaehyun again. And he was terrified. Taeyong was terrified that if they ever saw each other again, he wouldn’t feel anything at all. 

 

He begged the heavens to not let him forget. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! And yes, I know... I'm cruel. But it's been a while since I wanted to write a angsty jaeyong. If you're sad you can go and check out my other jaeyong fic because that one is pure fluff! 
> 
> Thanks in advance for your comments and kudos! 
> 
> See you soon!


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